In today´s class, the intention was for us to share what came up during our full day of self-reflection and then later talk about mindfulness and being grounded and aware of our reactions and actions. That was at least what the class was supposed to be about but things took a different turn- there is a quote I like that says;
“Vulnerability is the only authentic state. Being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure. Being open to the wounds of life means also being open to the bounty and beauty. Don’t mask or deny your vulnerability: it is your greatest asset. Be vulnerable: quake and shake in your boots with it. the new goodness that is coming to you, in the form of people, situations, and things can only come to you when you are vulnerable, i.e. open.”
― Stephen Russell,-
I was going to share a recap of the talk today but instead, I felt drawn to share something else with you all – something that makes me shake a little in my little boots if I am honest.
When I went over the plan while getting ready to recap – I read the notes I had written today and also reflected on what had been shared today, only to realize that I actually hadn´t shared much concerning the subject for the day – yes, we reflected on our daily routines, but for some reason I didn´t get around to sharing what I had prepared concerning mindfulness- at least not in the way I had planned to share it.
I speak often about practising compassion and kindness with oneself and I advocate for it often because I know how much I need it in my own daily life. Today we talked about the frustration of knowing versus doing or applying what you know; I for one, often find myself guilty of this very conflict: My truth is that I can find myself being very harsh and critical of myself and often to the point of feeling the discomfort physically e.g aching back or shoulders because of my frustration with myself. The annoying thing is that I know all the things I say are true and I believe them, “be kind, be patient with your process, be mindful and present – make space for mistakes, you are enough, this too shall pass” . Still, sometimes as we discussed today, all that is easier said than done. I believe in my progress and I am proud of how far I have come, yet sometimes it feels like the ointments I know so well to work just are not working sometimes.
When our google hangout circle ended today – I felt this discomfort run down my throat and tension in my shoulders; I wasn´t pleased with how the circle had gone – I kept doubting if what I am doing is even helping or worth both the time you guys are taking out of your day to be a part of it and the time that I spend planning and creating it all. This is doubt. On one part of my mind, the calm, wise and loving side, I know that my intentions and effort is all that matters – that I have never done something like this before and shouldn´t be so critical of myself – that mistakes are okay and should be expected – that it is not a big deal to mess up – yet the tension gets tighter and at one moment I have repeated enough affirmation and self-validation to stop my critical and judgemental self – and in the next moment, the tension and flashes of mumbling or word-mixups, or forgettting to go indept on the day’s subject, hits me and the inner-fight starts again..
Finally, like often when I don´t know the answer to my own problem or just need someone else´s voice in my head to calm the tiring chatter – I called a friend/ my sister – and a soothing feeling returned to my presence. She reminded me of new things and things I know and I realized how much I needed someone else´s voice to affirm old knowing and bring new insights. She shared her own fight with the critical monster within and wisdom she had gotten from others on how to silence it or hold space for it – how not to follow it into darkness but stay present and reaffirming of what you knew to be true. Suddenly, all became well with the world once again but before the day ends, I would like to share some honesty with you guys.
The truth is that when I decided to do these classes I had not thought much about the how- some of you might remember how I shared that sometimes you have to jump in, trust and not care too much about the how? Yet, this how has been really challenging for me – to balance all this, my other projects and work and self-care and family can be too much. The truth is that I have cried more in these past days than I have this whole year (only 5 months in)- the truth is this has been much harder than I thought it would be (and I am not even done yet hahah). The truth is I sometimes suffer from imposter-syndrome – like who am I to be doing this again and why are you guys listening to me? The truth is my self-care has been ‘shit’ this whole week because of this self-care class! If that isn´t irony I don´t know what is. The truth is I don´t feel justified to be having a “crisis” over a damn 10 day class! The truth is the introvert in me gets really drained each time we finish a circle – regardless of how well it went and how worth it I think it is. Yet my heart gets filled each time I help someone see their situation in a more positive or less hopeless light. The truth is I fear that this post might be oversharing and discrediting. The truth is also that I know/feel that I am adding some value, big or small, it is something. That even if only one of you guys finishes these ten days feeling like they have learned something worth keeping in their journal or mind, that I know that that will be absolutely amazing! The truth is, the last statement is a lie and I hope more than one of you gets something out of this! ahaha.
And despite all of this, the truth is also that I am going to see this through, regardless of all this, that I will keep showing up, keep learning, growing and keep trying to share whatever light I have to share. Flaws and all, I am here, taking up my spot under the sun even when there is nothing but clouds and grey skies.
The final truth is that perhaps I forgot that I was no damn guru somewhere through the planning (nor do I think I want to be) that perhaps, I started expecting more from myself than I could keep up with. My truth is that I stumble on my words – sometimes I don´t finish my sentences or train of thought – sometimes I forget the subject of the day of my own plan lol, – sometimes I need my sisters to remind me of how unspecial my “special moments” are and how human and boring my flaws are. But most of all, that I don´t have to feel like I need to be anything more than what I currently am. That I am enough.
This wasn´t a post on a recap of today´s class but it is something I hope some of you can relate to. We are all just trying to hold our *ish together – but sometimes we need someone else to hold it for us or with us, to form it for us or to hold up a mirror and remind us of who we are. I hope I get to do more of that with you guys here as we start wrapping up our classes. And I guess that´s my lesson on mindfulness – or presence; to know when you are not there, to know when the tension builds up and why, to know which friend or sister to call to help you sort out your messy crap – to know that another day awaits tomorrow, with more lessons to present you with and that you´ll be okay. Despite it all, you are okay.
Thank you so much for being here with me and may all of this rumble be of benefit. That is always my intention…
See you here tomorrow for the day´s self-work assignment and please take care and call a friend when you forget all the things you know you should remember 😉 (p.s if your friend/ sister doesn´t answer, call me)
Best of wishes to you all