“Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin.”
Hey sis, so it´s Sunday, again and so, true to ritual, here I am. This week has been an interesting one so far (since it´s Thursday at the moment of this draft a lot can still happen lol). To be honest, I find most weeks interesting, because somehow, the universe always brings something to my table, something to learn or become aware of.
A few days ago Tainã said that he was proud of me because I had given a talk on introversion at his old University – He followed that by saying that he hoped I would also be proud of him someday, the way he is constantly proud of me. I told him I already was, of the person he had grown into since before I met him to now. But he didn´t mean that, he desired a more materially centered sense of pride. “Proud of me as a man,” he said. I didn´t know how to respond to that but I knew where his energy or framework was coming from in saying that. I knew this vibe in him. Not much I could have said would have reassured him, that I was proud of him as a person or even, for the things that truly mattered to me. It wasn´t about me, but about him. As we all do, he struggles too to feel reassured on his path, to feel grounded and proud of his efforts, failures, lessons or wins.
Another few days ago, that was me – On a thin mattress in a small room, dark, I confessed my own fears to him. My own glimpses of overwhelming short-comings. Though I feel closer to 85/15% reassured in my path (including my moments of awkwardness) that 15% sometimes comes creeping and can feel like 100% real quick. So much so that I even feared saying it out loud, for fear of giving it too much power. Yet in his arms, in our small corner of the world, I let the insecurity out and it was all met with open and encouraging arms. Comforted by compassion, validation, understanding, and some motivation, we then cuddled our way into the night and all was better the next day.
For him and I, I feel as though the universe brought us a love with a person who didn´t only understand the sometimes crippling moments of despair, but someone who knew exactly what that felt like. And though the saying usually goes that opposites attract, in our love, I have seen how it is the similarities that sustain whatever attraction there is. That balance it. This doesn´t always make for a pretty little thing especially when you find each other triggering shared trauma´s within one another – but we get each other. We see one another. If there is anything in life that will make you feel home, being seen and held wholeheartedly is surely a very divine part of it. At least for me, it is. Because of our similarities in brokenness or needs for healing, we know where the wound is, we know how it feels to a significant degree, and when we have done our own work, we know how to heal or hold space for healing for one another. This understanding is the difference between reacting and responding to each other’s random and misplaced outburst of needs, lows or hurts.
I do not share this to romanticize our love, because there have been moments where it felt like there were too many open wounds for us to ever fix. Times where similarities worked like mirrors you don´t want to face. And so, we would argue, tears would runneth over lol, distance would be applied, doubt would follow. Still, each time, our love but mostly, our understanding and willingness to face each battle´s healing as vigorously as we fought in battle, has not only sustained our love but fertilized it to keep growing and healing.
When I played with the idea of attracting a mate some years ago – I remember saying; ” I don´t need someone perfect, just someone who is willing to put in the work needed to create a loving relationship for us”. Looking back now, being aware of my codependency, I can wonder why I didn´t just ask for a completely healed person but perhaps I knew deep down that I also still needed healing and who was I to ask for something I couldn´t give or be? If I met the Taina I met 3 years ago, while being the person I am today, I would probably not have dated him and we have talked about this too. Yet, the fascinating thing is that I wouldn´t be the kind of person, emotionally healthy wise, I am today if I hadn´t dated him. While my codependency might have had a lot to do with us starting to date or the emotional heaviness I was willing to put up with before, our relationship has also played a huge part in the healing of my codependency amongst other wounds. A huge part.
So sis, can two broken people heal each other? My answer to that is based on my own experiences: if they choose too, if they put in the work, if that is their truest wish. As you can see, there are a lot of ifs because I do believe that a lot of things in life play on the mercy on context, time, effort followed by some constant and positive reinforcement.
My reinforcement has been the beautiful gift of getting to be loved by someone who is so willing and so genuine in all he gives. Someone who has risen from his own fires and who despite it all is trying tirelessly to become someone he can be proud of. Someone who can fail but still decides to learn, get up and try again. While we might never find someone fully healed from life’s trauma or perfect in every sense, we are often fortunate enough to find someone who is perfect for us, who brings about more healing in our lives than he/she destroys. And if we are lucky, we get to do the same for them too, to not only kiss away at their seductive lips but healing wounds as well. We get to be their reassurance in moments of doubt, we get to hold a torch in their glimpses of darkness and despair. We get to carry each other home to our truest and highest selves every time we wander off in the wrong direction. That for me, is worth it all, to heal and let heal.
I hope, wherever you are, whatever reason brought you here, that you are somewhere where you feel seen and validated for your beauty as well as your flaws. Where you are met with compassion on all levels; romantically, platonically and personally. That your relationships inspire you to become someone you can be proud of and that they remind you of your highest self if ever you catch yourself forgetting. May this sweet life, find you ever blooming, healing and growing wherever you are planted.
Love and Light