Hey you, how are we doing? Can you believe it is already the last week of January 2020?
So, I guess it is fitting to finish the last post summing up last year, nice and slow is the pace of my flow. So, where did we leave off from the last post?
Love was an explosive adventure last year. I started the year marrying my favourite man in the whole world and then he went back to Brazil. We later decided to separate and focus on healing and growing in our own lives and leave our love open for the future. It was what was needed but also rather painful. We managed to walk through that space as gracefully as we both could, sometimes less than graceful yet often, my heart was moved by the kind of love we have built over the past years in each other’s lives. We have managed to keep our love despite our separation and in a way that has only affirmed to us, of how resilient our care and love for each other really is, beyond distance and title. I do not care whether T is my husband, boyfriend or friend, he will always be the closest place I can call home in any man I have ever met. My cosmic man. Even during our separation, in the depths of my depression last year, he was there, miles away but so present, pouring courage and healing over me, showering me with softness and safety… I am so grateful for the kind of person he is and the love we have cultivated together. A love that has been life and hope affirming many times. I love him more and more dearly and cosmically not just physically and I learned that even more because of our separation.
I also started dating a woman for the first time in my life. I guess this is where I say, “hey, I am not as straight as I thought I was!” I have had almost two years to digest that fact. I found out I liked women after meeting this woman and it totally turned my life upside down. I could not believe it. I have always loved women but always as sisters and friends. I never thought or wanted anything beyond that. But then I met her and it was like a light had been turned on in a room I didn´t even know I had in my house. I became frantic with trying to understand what was happening to me. I read and listened to music and watched movies haha. I studied more about queer experiences and lives. T was the first person I told and he was, at times a little thrown off by it, fearing I might be a lesbian in disguise. I assured him, that at most I was bi-sexual but for a moment I had to sit there and question that too. It was a confusing transition. He however also became the most understanding and supportive partner I could wish for in this. His encouragement and support were a big part of the reasons I even confessed my feelings to the woman and luckily and divinely, she felt affection for me too. Can you imagine? Perhaps I could share more about that another time. However, in terms of terms, I feel closest to the term queer, and so far, I just know that I am capable of loving men and women romantically and platonically. For now, that is good enough for me.
I am also learning that I am capable of loving two people at the same damn time. What a concept right? That has caused a lot of pain too and not just for me, but for the two people, I happen to share the love with. We are learning to flow through that, to put the love before the fear and love openly and allowing the people I love to be free and feel loved openly to also be themselves. To be free to love others too. Sometimes we are cruising on a cloud of pink soft skies and sometimes we are being burned by electric thunder but often, the love is grounded and we are all growing from it. Would I have signed up for this experience, no, not really but I am glad that I am getting the chance to experience this kind of love too, for however far or long, I am grateful and open to receive it. Even though at heart I think I would always prefer monogomy, with space for openness but loving this way, is teaching me so much! About jealousy, about what is love and how do we personally mould it? About building relationships that fit you instead of trying to fit yourself into a relationship. About kindness and understanding. Most of all, about surrendering and trusting love more than fear or a need to control the direction of life or a relationship.
Spiritually, I am coming into my own but yet so different. I feel a sense of awareness that is softer and assured. Kindness and warmth from within that feels so precious and that I want to care for and share from. A lot happened last year, the greatest being able to triumph and become victorious without hardness and force, but with tenderness and flow. Can you feel my soul smiling?..
Last year, was a shitty yet such a beautiful year because of the transformation it holistically had over me… I am so so grateful to still be here, breathing, being, loving, creating and eager to keep dreaming. So grateful to learn to trust my truth, curiosity and heart. To move in faith and softness.
So, I think that is the full wrap, full circle 🙂 I hope sharing this is of benefit to you and your own path and your own wonder. Thank you for following along and the beautiful energy you all inspire me to keep creating from.
May life always, always and in all ways, find you blooming baby, find you dancing baby, find you loving baby, find you trusting that whatever wisdom knitted you in your mother´s womb is still keeping an eye out for you babe…You are never alone, and whatever you are going through, let it birth you not bury you.
To end, I want to share a little glimpse of the energy and vibes I want to paint 2020 with: